I think it’s not uncommon that you reflect before a birthday but I do find approaching this epic milestone I am suffering from some sort of ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ psychosis. This in simple terms is taking reflection to the next level and having the genuine belief that that moving to Italy and gaining 15kgs by eating pasta will be bring inner peace.
Yeah......eat your feelings and find inner peace. Eat them!!!
So let’s take a little journey and look at what’s changed and what hasn’t changed...this week’s topic is....
RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Currently single but on the up-side have not been surrounded by cats and eating my feelings for the last five years.......or have I???? Nah, I did have a pretty sweet relationship but because we were both struggling to ‘adult’ properly and spent a lot of time watching critically acclaimed drama in bed whilst eating Coles ice-cream sandwiches (these are actually beyond amazing) we decided the logical thing to do would be to part ways.
Seriously the value is unbeatable!!
The good news is this wonderful new App called Tinder became available, the bad news is Tinder is bloody awful. My first Tinder date was so full of promise. His name was Luke and he was the perfect blend of guy next door/scando hipster.
His four revealing pics consisted of –
1) A very pensive expression, clad in a denim shirt and looking over some Tuscan vineyards.
Translation: The looks says thoughtful (maybe even smart!), the shirt says practical and Hipster (what doesn’t go with denim??) and the Vineyards (doesn’t go on Contiki tours whilst travelling Europe)
2) Another pensive expression, Vintage Train Driver’s Hat and Empty glass bottle with ominous note.
Translation: He is still thinking (really smart?), the hat is possibly his late grandfather’s (or he is an uber hipster!) and the glass bottle says Arty Farty Cool or according to my friend’s ‘wanker’
3) Yet another pensive look....overalls and aggressive side burns
Translation: ok this guy needs to smile...the overalls (controversial but also Hipster in a Mario Bros kind of way) and the sideburns...(these can be removed)
4) A Pitbull
Translation I love dogs, please let this be his dog. (Handy tip: dogs in tinder pics will increase your chances of a right swipe by at least 100%, just ask my friend Tim! Cats on the other hand will secure a strong left swipe)
We chatted for a good couple of weeks – both trying to ‘out-LOL’ one another with our impeccable wit. He passed the music taste test and eventually a date was set. I was absolutely shitting myself.
We decided to meet at Le Bon Ton in Collingwood (Hipster alert!) – I had chosen this denim one-piece to clearly appeal to his hipster vibe and show that ‘I’m just a casual girl who effortlessly throws on a onesie with zero thought’.
Sadly when I got changed at work ready for the date my colleagues immediately shut-down the onesie and advised I looked like Lena Dunham in Girls and not in a good way...What the fuck, panic!! I decided to wear a dress which I thought was a bit too ‘office chic – so embarrassing, but it was too late as the Denim onesie had already taken its own life after being thrown a barrage of insults.
Sadly when I got changed at work ready for the date my colleagues immediately shut-down the onesie and advised I looked like Lena Dunham in Girls and not in a good way...What the fuck, panic!! I decided to wear a dress which I thought was a bit too ‘office chic – so embarrassing, but it was too late as the Denim onesie had already taken its own life after being thrown a barrage of insults.
What I thought I looked like....
What I actually looked like....(don't get me wrong, I love her but these shorts need to be burned)
I got to Le Bon Ton and was sweating in places that no one should sweat (next level nerves). I looked around and thought I must have been early. I mean the only guy at the bar was a bald guy in an ill-fitting ‘bogan-goes-to-court-for-drink-driving’ suit. I waited a few minutes and noticed the said baldy looking at me quite intently.....oh god.
So turns out his pics were a little different to the real life version. Now don’t get me a wrong, I’m not a total superficial bitch, I can work with bald, what was really offending me were his ‘corporate shoes’ which also looked a bit like this. Deep breath, give this guy a chance.
Generic bad man shoe
Thankfully he wasn’t a robot – he was witty and thoughtful (the pensive photos weren’t lying) but he was also severely depressed. We talked about how we’d both just come out of long-term relationships (so sexy, I can’t even deal) and how sometimes when he works out he just breaks into tears. At this point I was basically on a date with Gill from the Simpsons.
Needless to say we ate deep-fried Hipster chicken and wrapped things up pretty quickly – he gave me a lift to my car and played Elvis which did raise the bar a little bit but all I could look at were those nurse shoes pumping the gas.
'What's old Gill gotta do to sell you this car??'
When he dropped me off he asked if he could kiss me. Now I know what you’re thinking – of course I said ‘Yes!’ Look I was a few wines in and thought maybe this could be our Brenda and Dylan McKay moment (he drove a convertible) – it wasn’t.
So look folks what did I learn from my first Tinder experience – you are basically blind dating. Have I given it another go, absolutely!! This is not why I consider it bloody awful, that will have to be saved for my next post.
God we're perfect!!!
The reality of the Tinder First Date Kiss...
So look folks what did I learn from my first Tinder experience – you are basically blind dating. Have I given it another go, absolutely!! This is not why I consider it bloody awful, that will have to be saved for my next post.
Let’s just see how many likes this bad boy gets and we will go from there, spread the word. Maybe some cool magazine will hire me as there columnist and pay me squillions to talk about my shabby life...maybe not xxx
Sent from Outlook
