Sorry I'm late...I was busy stretching

Two weeks in to this thing and I’ve already failed at a weekly blog…I don’t feel bad though because this sort of failed ambition is a common symptom of a quarter life crisis. Another symptom is an attempt to ‘right a wrong’, so on that note I will deliver two posts this week instead of one. Impressed? You bloody better be!!!

Now after a de-brief with my ol’ mate Stace on the last issue, she told me she couldn’t read it because it was far too depressing, so I thought I’d attempt some positivity this week but that’s not really my style, so instead let’s talk about – Sleep Apnea…

A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with moderate to severe sleep apnea. Boring!!! This may come as a shock to many of you because traditionally people with Sleep Apnea look like the following –

In other words...fat middle aged men or really really old people. They’re not twenty-something with the world at their feet and a whole lot a cash to blow on crazy machinery and sleep studies.

I won’t bore you with too many scientific details about Sleep Apnea – but in a nutshell it’s when you hold your breath too many times during your sleep which can result in loss of oxygen to the brain and extreme fatigue. The fatties usually get it because their necks are too thick and it blocks their airways (so not PC…) But on the plus-side (pun not intended), I seem to have developed it because of my ‘over-bight’ or as my doctor put it ‘facial deformity’ (thanks doc, that’s hot!!)

Unfortunately there are not a lot of options for the fatties and facially deformed. They can either have their jaw broken in eight places, re-set and live on a liquid diet for two months (basically the equivalent to an extreme makeover). Thus ending in some of these stunning results – Where do I sign up???

The most common cure however is the old CPAP machine. The CPAP is designed to continually blow air down your throat to ensure that your air passages aren’t blocked during sleep. I know, I know….SEXY!!!!

Here are what the doctors tell you it will look like before you purchase the machine –

 and here's a more realistic version....

I don't know about you but she looks completely nuts!!! And also a little scary...

Now who wouldn’t want to wake up next to this in the morning???  Nothing to see here folks...

Kiss me you fool!!!

Obviously my sex-life has quadrupled since bringing the CPAP in to the bedroom…AND I just love it when my friends want to try it on…

So look kids the long and the short of it is – Sleep Apnea for twenty-somethings = NOT COOL!!!

Until next time when I promise to make a positive contribution to the world. xxx

It's all over apparently...

Well folks I trust another pathetic week was had by all and particularly pathetic if you’re over 25…

My mum recently pointed out this depressing snippet she found in the Age – 

http://www.theage.com.au/national/after-25-lifes-ode-to-joy-wavers-20111111-1nbwr.html

The general gist of it basically reads - ' It's all downhill from the age of 25. Young people's happiness and satisfaction with life continues to grow throughout their teens...But by the mid-20s, the joy factor has taken a significant dip and continues heading south until the end of our working lives.'

In short - FUCK!!!!

And if you’ve been curious enough to actually read the article you’ll find that in less than five hundred words it certainly doesn’t give many signs of hope unless of course you’re about to turn 65 and have beaten the odds of an untimely death, chronic disease, divorce and/or alcohol dependency. 

You should then look a little something like this -

The picture of ' Happiness '

I personally can’t wait for old age and thoroughly agree with the Australian’s contention. Hopefully after 65 I can unashamedly do the things I wish I could be doing now which include the following –

* Abusing people on public transport

* Live with my childhood friends at a nursing home in Osborne Street

* Daily sponge baths

* Cold party pies for breakfast, lunch & dinner

* Use a catheter for recreational purposes

* Get really fat

* Go on the Fair Star

* And pretty much look like this lady...

Well now that we know life is actually going downhill (thanks to the extremely accurate survey in the said article) and there's absolutely nothing we can do to stop it, it's probably ok to discuss another reason our slight enthusiasm decline...The Drunk Text....

We’re all guilty of it. Some of us more than others.  We get drunk, we get cocky and decide to start ‘ texting ‘ or as I like to call it ‘ sexting ‘. It’s like when someone throws a dress-up party and all of the girls get excited because they can finally dress up like a two-dollar hooker and have serious ‘ intellectual ‘ party conversations at the same time. Well actually it’s probably nothing like that at all…but the point I’m trying to make is, no matter how witty your ‘ SEXT ‘ might be, there’s no hiding the sad slutty stench that goes with it.

 Exhibit A - ' So what do you think about the Carbon Tax?? '

It started off as a bit of harmless fun – a bootie-call if you will.

' Hey what are you up to?  ' sent to a number of eligible bachelors in the old contact list at approx. 12:30 am on a Friday/Saturday night.

But then it slowly turned into a much seedier and pathetic version of  ' come over and (insert comment too explicit for my mother to read) ' sent at a much sadder hour of 9 pm on a Thursday/Tuesday/Sunday night.

Much to my horror I was starting to resemble this dude...not cool...

Even sadder though is no matter how many times my friends confiscate my phone, delete numbers and actually abuse the shit out of me for continually making the same mistakes time and time again, I will be a SERIAL SEXTER until the day I die (or I lose my phone again.)

Thankfully I'm not alone and found a number of other pathetic losers making the same critical errors in judgement -

Totes awkward....

Even more awkward....

Which is why I think we all need one of these...

Or we might find ourselves ending up with one of these....

So obviously 9 out of 10 times the sexts don’t exactly get me anywhere and if they were going to, I don’t usually get the replys until I wake up the next day and start eating the KFC twister I’ve conveniently passed out on the night before.

Of course I don’t need to feel too bad though, because according to the Age this is all part of my 25 and over downward spiral and simply a result of unrealised dreams and a growing number of responsibilities. Phew!

Summer Lovin' (the weekend that was)

So this last weekend proved to be a shining example of one experiencing a quarter life crisis (qlc)....not cool!


It started off on a sticky Saturday morning with the untimely realisation that I'd left my car at Footscray station the day before. * Fuck. 


The worst part about this realisation was of course thinking back to my lazy ass self of the day before thinking ' if I don't pick my car up now, I'm going to be thoroughly pissed off tomorrow.' I call it masochism.  


So after calling my mum (who was not impressed) to take me to my car (a classic qlc move), I found awaiting me a juicy parking ticket. * Double fuck. Oh don't worry, it gets better...


On my way to the pool, sweltering now, I began to smell something like burning rubber. Can't be a good sign. And sure enough, after checking the temperature gauge for the first time  in oh  let's say..two years, much to my horror I discovered it hovering over the nasty red bit. * Shit.


As any responsible twenty-something I pulled over, parked the car and decided to go to the pool anyway and deal with it later.


But no, not yet, first my lovely friends had decided it was time for an ' INTER-FRIENDSION '. Just what I need! Enter best friends, Alice & Stacey. Not only did the girls make me feel bad about wearing a bikini top as a top but they also successfully made me cut up a credit card. 

Alice: aka joanjude, financial advisor & Dr. Tough Love

Stacey: aka Stacey-Lou, financial administrator & reformed hoarder

Me with credit card number 3....Nuff' said

So by now I know what you're thinking...Calippo time!!!

Calippo Tongue - So good!!!

So obviously I took their wise advice on board and spent my last pennies on pool entry, one trashy mag (that will come back to haunt me later) and a calippo.

And a lovely day was had by the pool...or was it???

The gorgeous Miss Stacey! Also note the cute guy with sunnies sitting down in the background, totes had a perve....

So obviously we are forgetting a fundamental problem here..the fucking car!!! On the way back from the pool it was decided, with the much needed advice of Stacey that it would be advisable to put water in the car. Heading back with a well-thought-out plan I happened upon a second hand kimono for only $5. Completely ignoring the financial advice I received earlier I  bought it in a heartbeat. Totes no regrets.

$5 Kimono. Amaaazing!

But back to the car....so I had to stop an old dude to find out where the water actually went. And happily it did turn out to be the place where Stacey had thought and that place did not in fact contain ' battery acid ' as I had so boldy announced earlier. Oops. Unfortunately however she was not able to tell me whether it mattered if you got water on the battery or not?? And to be honest I'm still perplexed....

Finally success! The temperature gauge returned to normal, we were headed home...until...

* FUCK

Enter RACV.....

Lovely English guy with thick London accent tells me that my 'clutch is cactus and there's a bleedin' ole' in me water pump'. 

Turns out my parents will not (this time) bail me out and I will be walking to the station until further notice. I'm not giving up on my car though, we've been through a lot together and I will continue to use and abuse till' death do us part. But I will need to concede $1000 in repairs until I can do that...Boo Hoo.

The greatest car that ever lived. Take that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Is that legal???

Broken window since April 2010. Sadly there is no risk of the car being stolen.

Even the number plate is mocking me...so sad!

So folks what are the lessons learnt here??

1. Cars are not toys.

2. Even toys are show more respect than ROQ 069.

3. Do not buy a $5 kimono and trashy mag then ask your friends if you can borrow $8.50 for a burger and chips

4. Do not wear bikini tops as tops.

5. Do not continue to drive car after it has been deemed a lemon.

6. Do not secretly re-order the credit card your friends have so kindly destroyed.

7. Calippos solve EVERYTHING!!!!

The End 

Blogspiration..

So depending on my mood I always thought I'd have these little outbursts of what's inspiring me at the moment - here is the first montage of many to come I'm sure....

Above - Stumbled across this image ages ago and fell in love! 

It's by photographer Noemie Goudal. Love.

Above - More of Goudal's work...

Want!! 

When his meets hers...shoe romance x

Babe. Top Knot-ch (sourced: calivintage)

And this last one is just to show I'm not taking myself too seriously. Thanks @Jai.Innes

It begins...

Please read my new blog if you show any signs of the following symptoms – Unemployment, Credit Card Debt, still living at home, missing car window, unexplained itchy rash, apathy, weight Gain, pot head, your SIMS character is more successful than yourself, you own a CPAP, you sold your CPAP, you have arthritis, you take anti-depressants, flatulence,  alcoholism and/or display general cynicism whilst reading this.

Yes I know, another bloody blog! But this one is awesome I promise…it’s for all the twenty-something’s out there who are feeling shitty, lacking motivation, needing inspiration or comfort that somebody else is all of the above. Hopefully it will make you laugh, occasionally cringe at its wankiness but most importantly inspire! 

Enjoy xxx

Me gettin' my blog on...