CAR-TASTROPHE!

Did you know that your licence expires? Seriously it does….

I recently found this out after an awkward encounter with the cops on Dynon road, Footscray.

And unfortunately they did not resemble the following fun kind of authority...

Or the extremely caring kind....

Or the ferocious 'roller-blading kind'....

It was about 9:30 on a Friday night (already a sad story considering how early it was) and I was coming home after a dinner and a cheeky wine with an old friend. After having my car at the mechanics for the last two months I felt exhilarated being back behind the wheel listening to the sound of cardboard flapping in the wind of my broken window. It wasn’t until I saw the tell-tale signs of the red and blue lights flashing ahead that I decided to panic…

* One glass I’ll be fine (totes TAC add)

Sure enough the rumble of my broken muffler saw the officers waving me down in no time.

Officer – ‘ Just one long continuous breath please ’

I can hear my heart thumping as the officer is taking way too long looking over the results. Why do I feel like an immigrant trying to bring in bags of fruit on Boarder Security?? And even sadder, is this officer potentially attractive?

Officer – ‘ Have you had anything to drink tonight? '

Me – ‘ Just a glass of wine.'

* Oh god, am I going to cry?

Officer – ‘ Can I please see your driver’s licence? ‘

Me – ‘ This is awkward…I actually don’t know where my licence is? ‘

* SHIT!!!!!!!!

Officer – ‘ Right… ’

Me – ‘ I have my passport though. ‘

* This is so Boarder Security right now

Me – ‘ Am I going to lose my licence? ‘ 

* Seriously sounding like Cher from Clueless right now

Officer – ‘ No of course not! ‘

* Relief

Officer – ‘ Because you don’t have a licence to lose…You’re licence expired a month ago ‘

* FUCK!!!!

Enter two more officers (including a Sergeant) who asks me to pull over so that we can have ‘a chat’.

Officer 2 – ‘ So. Is there any reason you’re driving with an expired licence? ‘

Me – ‘I know this is going to sound crazy…(IT DOES)…but I didn’t know licence’s did expire.’

Officer 2 – ‘ Right. Did you not receive a renewal notice in the mail? ‘

Me – ‘ Well, I actually recently moved home with my parents….’

Meanwhile Officer 3 is shining a flash torch into my car while he appears to be searching for something. Rather embarrassing when he shines it across some empty weight watchers bars. (P.S they don’t work)

Officer 3 – ‘ She’s got a registration sticker from 2010. ‘

* Oops, I forgot about that.

Me – ‘ Yeah….about that. My car is actually registered I just forgot to put the sticker on. ..Twice.’

Officer 2 – ‘ Do you have a job? ‘

Me – ‘ Yes! ‘

Officer 3 – ‘ Do you deal drugs? ‘

* Low point

Me – ‘ Are you serious? I live at home with my parents. I know my car looks like a hobo’s and maybe a junkie’s but you can call my mum to confirm that I’m actually just a straight twenty-five year old loser.’

* Lower point….

Officer 2 – ‘ Now we won’t do that. But I do suggest you renew your licence and put your registration sticker on. You may receive a fine in the mail…’

Me – ‘ How much would this ‘said’ fine be??

Officer 2 – ‘ About $350 ‘

Me – ‘ SHUT UP!!! ‘

Officer 2 – ‘ I  won’t shut up actually. Now how do you plan on getting home tonight? ‘

Me – ‘ Um drive..’

Officer 2 – ‘ You can’t drive without a licence now can you?? ‘

* Shit! Didn’t think about that

Officer 2 – ‘I suggest you call your mum now and get her to pay your renewal over the Internet. ‘

Me – ‘ Ok great…will do! ‘

And here comes the saddest point in the story where I pretended to phone my mum (who I knew was actually away for the weekend) and got her to ‘pay my renewal over the internet’. I then preceded to drive home illegally against the advice of the kind officers.

Now kids what can we learn from Aunty Tor’s mistakes??

If you see the red and blue flashing lights ahead and are currently driving an unregistered car without a licence, pull over, put the hazard lights on and call a cab. And finally if you google ' funny cop pics ' the results are endless....

NB. Since the occurrence of the recent event, I have endeavoured to both renew my licence and can confirm that my car is also currently registered. What I can also confirm is that it took me another two weeks to complete both tasks….

YOUNG MOTHERS DO 'AVE EM!

There are a lot of things that you’re yet to know about me and one of those things is that I’m in a mother’s group.

Now the obvious question is; do I have a secret child like the girl from Mad Men or Gypsy from Home and Away? And the answer of course is yes I do.

Calm down, I don’t really. But if I did I’d be seriously concerned for its well being and nutrition at this point. It may even put me in the company of the following phenomenal parents..

Oh Britney...

Alas, I digress…

The reason I’m in a mother’s group is because about four years ago, at the ripe old age of 22 I found myself between jobs (seriously unemployed after being fired from a call-centre) and the happy aunty to a gorgeous baby boy called Will. Now obviously my sister, a new mother and lost twenty-something herself was stoked to have a jobless loser around that also happened to live next door. But whilst she allowed me to change the odd nappy and drive around in the car with her whilst she got the baby off, she was also embarking on new friendships that came from the community ‘ Mother’s Group.’

Now it was only natural that I tag along with her and share my endless knowledge on all things baby right?  How could I not! 

My sister asked me when she attempted breastfeeding for the first time in hospital with her newborn,

 ‘ How long should I feed him for? ‘

And with the utmost confidence I replied.

‘ Oh just a few minutes, until he looks full.’

Now for the baby-less out there this might sound like a very reasonable and measured response to such a question. But as many mothers would know completely inaccurate. Unfortunately my dear sister discovered this the hard way after she was unable to leave the hospital because her poor baby was not gaining enough weight.

Again how could I not pass on my wisdom to helpless mothers everywhere???

The amount of things I now know about children is both obscene and quite tragic. For example I know that –

·    The first poo to come out after birth is called the meconium and looks a lot like vegemite. Yummy!

·      Kids get up early (not good for people that suffer from sleep apnea or that are generally quite lazy)

·      The following kid’s films should be banned – Cars, Cars 2, Bolt, The Smurfs, did I say Cars? And anything with lengthy musical intervals

·      Playing Lego is only fun if the child has no input whatsoever. The same can be said for Playdough, Barbie and any board game.

The joys of playdough...

Amateur!

·      Parks are the work of the devil.

·      There are such things as ‘indoor playgrounds’ where you can pay to watch other parents squeeze themselves through claustrophobic like tubes whilst they try and rescue their children ten feet off the ground.

Good luck squeezing through those pipes...

·      You can successfully convince a child that daylight’s savings has started early and it’s ‘time for bed’ when it’s actually 5:30 pm.

·      Putting shoes on any child under the age of four is possibly the most frustrating and aggravating task in anyone’s life especially if they are trendy lace-up converse, not cool.

·      Children will poo anywhere, anytime, any place.

·      Children’s TV presenters would have to be highly medicated to sustain that amount of enthusiasm. In fact, rumour has it that Anthony, the blue wiggle is actually on the ‘roids.

So obviously what I have gained from being a pseudo-mother, apart from Nits a couple of times and a nasty case of school sores is that I am completely UN-fit to be a mother and should probably avoid it until I’m in my forties and rich enough to hire a lot of help. Until then being an aunty ain’t so bad….

xxx

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

Miss me??? Yeah, you missed me...you missed me as much as this guy misses his wife...

I know, I know, I’m bloody incapable of keeping up a weekly blog. BUT in my defence I have been busy committing the most obvious crime of a twenty-something…moving back home with the parentals.

Now what I will tell you is that I moved home to save money so that I can buy a house and set myself up for the future…Now what I won’t tell you is that I moved home because I can’t pay my rent and I’m swimming in credit card debt.

I must admit it hasn’t been an altogether smooth transition, however after six weeks I am happy to report that I have successfully moved the contents of an entire house into a  4 x 5 metre squared room and various secret hiding spots around the house. Thus going from this -

 To this....

And finally this....(if you look closely you'll spot my CPAP swung over the bed head)

This has been difficult for two reasons; a. I’m a hoarder (just like my grandad) and b. I have a 1970s uber anal dad who loves to straighten carpets and wear advertorial caps. Here he is – he’s name is Ronny and he will feature in many more posts to follow.

Now obviously a number of hilarious blog-worthy things have happened since my last post, so I thought I’d compress them down to the following dot points –

* Whilst moving house my dad helped me to move my bed only to discover a number of condoms underneath it...awkward....Even more awkward that they had not been used and screamed of desperation...double awkward....

* My brother Carl came home for a visit from Copenhagen. He is a very funny a man and has an unusually large nose. Nuff' said.

* We went on a family 'bonding' holiday to Daylesford where my brother and I spent the entire two days playing Mario Kart and trying to defeat bloody Bowser's castle in the snow world. Still haven't clocked it...Definition of Frustration: Watching a four year old continually driving into turtles, bananas and walls whilst attempting to play Mario Kart and lacking the correct hand-eye  co-ordination. 

Old School....So unhealthy

Want!!!

* I ‘sexted’ at least four times and also privately facebook messaged (a new low)

* I bluetacked pictures to my wall because that’s what you do when you live at home with your parents

* I discovered Parks & Recreation. Amazing!

*  I attempted to be sexy/quirky on New Years Eve and wore diamantes under my eyes which later gave me a rash

Sexy/Quirky? Just downright sad I'd say...

*  I discovered a mole on my dad’s back that I was convinced was cancer but actually turned out to be a benign wart. Yuck!

*  I also discovered this super cool poo chart...which stool are you??

* I discovered people with too much time on their hands call themselves coffee artists and create masterpieces such as this…(p.s if you can’t hear my sarcasm, I hate it!!!)

* ·      I joined ‘ Blender ‘ for twenty minutes and found this guy

*  I went to Foodies and my brother set me a challenge to purchase him a treat from the 90s and I came back with these beauties

So as you can see it has been a thoroughly unproductive six weeks and has indeed set the tone for the year. Yay!

See you soon enough xxx