There are a lot of things that you’re yet to know about me and one of those things is that I’m in a mother’s group.
Now the obvious question is; do I have a secret child like the girl from Mad Men or Gypsy from Home and Away? And the answer of course is yes I do.
Calm down, I don’t really. But if I did I’d be seriously concerned for its well being and nutrition at this point. It may even put me in the company of the following phenomenal parents..
Oh Britney...
Alas, I digress…
The reason I’m in a mother’s group is because about four years ago, at the ripe old age of 22 I found myself between jobs (seriously unemployed after being fired from a call-centre) and the happy aunty to a gorgeous baby boy called Will. Now obviously my sister, a new mother and lost twenty-something herself was stoked to have a jobless loser around that also happened to live next door. But whilst she allowed me to change the odd nappy and drive around in the car with her whilst she got the baby off, she was also embarking on new friendships that came from the community ‘ Mother’s Group.’
Now it was only natural that I tag along with her and share my endless knowledge on all things baby right? How could I not!
My sister asked me when she attempted breastfeeding for the first time in hospital with her newborn,
‘ How long should I feed him for? ‘
And with the utmost confidence I replied.
‘ Oh just a few minutes, until he looks full.’
Now for the baby-less out there this might sound like a very reasonable and measured response to such a question. But as many mothers would know completely inaccurate. Unfortunately my dear sister discovered this the hard way after she was unable to leave the hospital because her poor baby was not gaining enough weight.
Again how could I not pass on my wisdom to helpless mothers everywhere???
The amount of things I now know about children is both obscene and quite tragic. For example I know that –
· The first poo to come out after birth is called the meconium and looks a lot like vegemite. Yummy!
· Kids get up early (not good for people that suffer from sleep apnea or that are generally quite lazy)
· The following kid’s films should be banned – Cars, Cars 2, Bolt, The Smurfs, did I say Cars? And anything with lengthy musical intervals
· Playing Lego is only fun if the child has no input whatsoever. The same can be said for Playdough, Barbie and any board game.
The joys of playdough...
Amateur!
· Parks are the work of the devil.
· There are such things as ‘indoor playgrounds’ where you can pay to watch other parents squeeze themselves through claustrophobic like tubes whilst they try and rescue their children ten feet off the ground.
Good luck squeezing through those pipes...
· You can successfully convince a child that daylight’s savings has started early and it’s ‘time for bed’ when it’s actually 5:30 pm.
· Putting shoes on any child under the age of four is possibly the most frustrating and aggravating task in anyone’s life especially if they are trendy lace-up converse, not cool.
· Children will poo anywhere, anytime, any place.
· Children’s TV presenters would have to be highly medicated to sustain that amount of enthusiasm. In fact, rumour has it that Anthony, the blue wiggle is actually on the ‘roids.
So obviously what I have gained from being a pseudo-mother, apart from Nits a couple of times and a nasty case of school sores is that I am completely UN-fit to be a mother and should probably avoid it until I’m in my forties and rich enough to hire a lot of help. Until then being an aunty ain’t so bad….
xxx
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